


Take What's Mine

by jaerie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (but not louis or harry), Age Difference, Alpha Harry, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Castration, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Graphic Description, Healing Sex, Hormones, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Kidnapping, Knotting, Louis is 17 which is not underage here, Louis is only 17 in the very beginning though, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Medical Procedures, Mental Instability, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Office Sex, Omega Louis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Read at Your Own Risk, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Semi-Public Sex, Sexism, Small Penis, Social Anxiety, Torture, but it's dark and includes graphic descriptions of medical proceedures, but may be elsewhere, from the tortured point of view, he's an adult through the bulk of the fic, i'm not going to put the entire plot into tags, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-03-24 15:52:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13814451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: Years after he is kidnapped, his life altered forever, Louis goes through the motions in a way that barely feels like living.  Harry is a wild card, a forbidden fruit that Louis swore off of before he even had a chance to experience it.  Maybe, in the end, Harry holds the key to being reborn.  Louis just has to be open to the idea first.(End game: this is a comfort/healing fic)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i thought i'd post the beginning of this to see if anyone would be interested in it. comment and kudos if you'd like more. i already have some more written but wanted to do a test run to see if it would be worth me finishing. i kind of wrote this to get some of my own angst out. 
> 
> also i really tried to over tag but let me know if i forgot something

* * *

 

 

Louis was 17 when it happened. 

Being a senior in high school, heading home from class at the first signs of his heat had become routine.  It was just like every other heat since he had presented at age 14.  He went to the school nurse, just like any other omega, and tucked his signed pass into his pocket in case anyone should stop and question him on his way out.  There wasn’t anything out of the ordinary about it.  

Louis didn’t live far from the school, just a 10 minute walk, so he had politely declined the escort car the school had available for students who rode the bus each day, the ones who lived a little further out.  A normal, quiet, Midwestern city, Louis never feared for his safety.  He’d never had a reason to. 

It was all routine.  It was a normal day.  There was nothing telling him it would turn out any different, no apprehension to hold him back.  Until he passed by Milliar’s Park just past the grounds of the school. 

“Pretty unmated omega like you shouldn’t be out in public alone like this.  It’s inappropriate.  It’s dangerous.  Something might happen.” 

The voice was low and growled behind him and made his steps falter.  An alpha, most definitely, an old school one that still believed omegas were property from the way it sounded.  His scent was foul, even to Louis’ heat altered brain.  That alone made him tense, fingers searching blindly for the pepper spray hidden somewhere in his bag.

“I have a pass.  I’m just on my way home.” Louis replied and tried to sound as confident about it as he usually would, but something about this man made him tremble with fear.  He smelled of ill intentions.  

“Don’t you worry.  I’ll take care of you.”  

Louis tried to run, he tried to bolt, but strong arms were around him before he could even take his first step.  Something sickly sweet filled his senses and his vision swam before he was able to register what was happening.  The man was holding something over his mouth and nose and made it hard for him to breathe.  His pass fluttered to the ground from his hand, the last trace of him left behind before he disappeared.  

 

\-----

 

There was a bright light above him.  It made his eyes ache even though it was dimmed through the shield of his closed eyelids.  It was the first sense he was able to regain so he knew he had to force them open, something told him he had to force them open.

A headache was pulsing behind his eyes as he finally cracked his eyelids, eyelashes fluttering on his first few attempts.  The room reminded him of a basement, concrete walls with pipes and ducts running along the ceiling between the hanging lightbulbs that were much too bright without covers.  Everything was a bit blurry but his gaze still bounced around, trying to fit together the whole confusing picture of where he was.  He definitely wasn’t in his bedroom.  

“Oh good, you’re awake!” A voice commented and Louis searched for the source.  He began to panic when he realized he couldn’t move his head enough to see, a padded panel on each side of his face holding him in place.  

What the hell was going on?  He was supposed to be at home preparing for his heat that was sure to overtake him before evening rolled around.  Actually, it felt like it was already happening.  His skin was overheated and he was achingly empty, wanting to moan out in anguish.  

The man walked into his line of sight, right between his legs and directly in front of him.  Louis could see his ankles were high and strapped into stirrups like the doctor’s table at the omega clinics, knees bent at a 90 degree angle and held above his body.  He tried to yank them free, but even if they hadn’t been strapped into place with leather straps at several points, he found he wasn’t able to move them.  He wasn’t able to move anything, he realized in horror.  His body was dead weight on the table.  Not even a twitch of his muscles when he commanded them to fight.  

“You’ve been out for a while, I was starting to worry,” the man said without much genuine concern.  Definitely an alpha, but his scent was off, frighteningly so.  It was bitter and reminded him of rotting garbage, everything part of it warning him to get away.  It was that foul odor that brought some sparks back to his memory, faint images of the city sidewalk.  

Cool fingers started fondling him between his legs and he wasn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed before that he was naked.  His skin was chilled beyond the internal boiling of his heat and the air felt damp and stuffy.  Each breath pulled in the strong presence of mold and mildew and he wanted to gag.    

The fingers manipulated his balls and dick like the alpha was fascinated, like he’d never seen any before, and Louis could do nothing but struggle to squirm and watch if he looked down past his nose at the odd angle.  He wanted the alpha to stop and he hated his body for wanting it when his brain was screaming no.  

“You would have been so beautiful if your parents had taken care of you when you first presented but I guess you’re not so bad.  Not the worst I’ve seen, anyway.”

Louis watched as the man brought out a ruler and stretched his flaccid penis up to measure it. 

“Five inches isn’t so bad.  We’ll get you there, though, don’t you worry.”  

Louis had no idea what he was talking about, humiliated that he was being scrutinized like this without his consent.  Even worse, he could feel himself growing hard, the beginning of his heat making him sensitive to any touch, his body instinctively wanting more.  

“Now for the fun part.”  The man moved around him and, from Louis’ limited view, it looked like they were in a small doctor’s office set up.  A crude home version of one, anyway.  He could hear items clink onto a metal tray and the strong smell of antiseptic stung his nostrils.  

“I see the paralytic is working well but I wanted to wait until you were awake for the rest.  I find it’s always best when the omega knows what’s happening.  The outcome is better when I can talk them through it and it’s a lot more enjoyable for both of us this way.”  

Louis heard the tray rolling up to him and then the man was between his spread legs again, this time wiping him down with something cold and wet.  It made him shiver when his balls were lifted and thoroughly wiped, tightening against his body with the temperature.  His brain was foggy, not enough that he wasn’t aware of himself but enough that he couldn’t process any of it, couldn’t put the pieces together.  He wasn’t sure what was happening  He had probably just forgotten he was having a procedure done at the omega clinic and someone would show him a video of his groggy crazy talk later.   It had been the same way a few months ago when he’d had his wisdom teeth out.  

The alpha took his time wiping every inch of his balls before moving on to the space around them.  His cock was standing out from his body, full and aching for stimulation.  Even though the temperature was a shock, it still felt good as the alpha finally began to wipe over his shaft.  It stung when he swiped over his slit and could practically feel the way his dick tried to shrink back in protest, a push and pull of heat and undesirable sensation.  

“I go back and forth with whether to use anesthetic but usually it’s just easier to use it.”  The hands were gone for a moment and then they returned, a thumb rubbing against the place under Louis’ balls, pressing around as if feeling for something.  He hated that it felt good.  

“You’ll feel a sting when I do this but it should be quick,” the man explained before holding a syringe up to the light and pushing a bit of air out of it, a small amount of liquid squirting into the air. 

Louis wasn’t sure what was happening but it was a thin syringe, resembled the kind used for insulin or the abandoned ones on the ground in the worst parts of town.  The thumb was back at his perineum, massaging there until it felt so good he let out a moan. 

“You’re begging for it already!  I like to hear that.  You’ll feel so much better after this.  It shouldn’t take too long unless you’d like me to draw it out a bit.  That might be a nice change of pace.” 

Though his whole body was paralyzed, he could still feel everything.  Louis wondered how that worked, every nerve approaching extra sensitive with the heightened hormones.  

The man gathered Louis’ balls up into his hand, holding them up and out of the way.  The sting was more of a burn when the needle pushed into his skin that lit his nerves on fire, his muscles clenching involuntarily with the pain of it.  A weak moan came out of his throat, but he couldn’t do anything other than lay there and take it.  He couldn’t even shift away from the sensation.

“Just a couple more and we’ll be ready to start.” 

Louis’ eyes were watering, the burning spreading over his groin and up into his dick.  Two more injections, one on either side of his dick, and after a few minutes the burning tingled until all he felt was numb weight between his legs.  His prick was still hard but the ache to have it stimulated became a phantom itch.  

“Male omega are a freak of nature, a biological mess up, you could say,” the alpha spoke as he pulled on some blue surgical gloves, “Body parts there to serve their alphas but with one small, fixable problem.”  

The alpha reached to the tray and pulled a length of medical tape off of a roll.  He manipulated Louis’ penis up to point towards his navel, taping across to hold it there against his belly.  

“These right here.” The alpha grabbed onto his testicles again but all Louis could feel was the tug, everything completely numb.  “The extra unneeded testosterone just makes male omegas defiant and stubborn.  Of course it’s more desirable to limit the testosterone at a younger age. I much prefer the rounder features and underdeveloped penis.  But don’t worry, you’ll still be a pretty bitch.” 

Louis twisted the words around in his brain, trying to piece them together in a way that was meaningful to him.  Each statement seemed to stand on its own, full picture just beyond his reach, not quite making sense.  The doctors had always told him his balances were fine.  

“You’ll probably just feel some pressure, that’s what the others have said, but know that this is for your own good.  You’ll thank me when you find yourself an obedient omega without the urge to resist it anymore.   Your mind will be more clear once those omegaist ideas aren’t there to cause stress, once you aren’t selfishly looking for your own pleasure.” 

Louis could feel the alpha tug at his balls again and that was when everything started to become clear.  This man was trying to castrate him.  It was an outdated practice that hadn’t been used past the 1800’s but was a well documented part of omega history.  Only a gurgle came out when he tried to scream and, though in his mind he was violently thrashing his body, his physical limbs remained completely still.  

“I’ve performed this surgery so many times that your scar should all but disappear,” the man spoke casually as he manipulated Louis’ testicles.  “You’ll be so pretty with nothing there.”

There was a glint of light reflecting off metal and he pointed his eyes down in time to see a scalpel.  The actual use of the blade was obstructed by his own body but he could see the hand moving in careful strokes. 

“The best part is when they pop out like that,” the alpha chuckled, setting the scalpel back down after a few moments.  

And then he felt the pressure, the tug.  Even with everything numb Louis could feel the unnatural pull and when he looked down, he could see one of his testicles held in a gloved hand.  It was freed from his skin but still attached and each time the alpha pulled, he could feel the sensation though his dick and lower stomach.  

“Just need to clip off the blood vessels.  I don’t want any bleeding issues down here.  That gets a little messy.”  

There was more movement and Louis was going to throw up.  He gagged but there was nothing there, just the churn of acid and fear so intense he couldn’t label it.  Another moment and there was a splat as his severed testicle was flopped into a container on the tray.  

“One gone already!  Don’t you feel lighter?  No point in carrying around the extra baggage when you’re not going to need it anyway!”  The alpha let out a chuckle like he was making a joke about the weather and Louis just wished he could wake up from this nightmare.  

The process was repeated on the other side while tears streamed down Louis’ cheeks.  He couldn’t even make a noise of protest, helpless as he was mutilated without his consent.  

“Now, would you like a vertical or horizontal scar?  Either way it should heal very well but it’s really a personal preference.  I think the horizontal will leave the skin smoother.” 

Louis squeezed his watery eyes shut, the only muscle he seemed to be able to control.  The damage was already done, what did it matter?  He could feel more tugs at his skin but thankfully no pain.  The waves of embarrassment kept washing over him, a new one when he felt his hole clench.  His heat was still pulsing despite the unexpected surgery and he could feel slick collecting. 

“There we go!  Absolutely beautiful!”  The man stepped back and seemed to be admiring his work.  He stepped around Louis’ leg and to unstrap Louis’ arm from where it was being held down at his side.  Without Louis’ control, his hand was stretched down between his legs, forced to feel the area where his balls had been.  

“Feel how smooth you’re going to be!  How perfect you are.” 

Louis felt the scratch of the line of tight stitches against his fingertips and then he was crying in full.  

“We’re not done yet so no need for tears of joy until we are all finished!” 

This alpha was a sick fuck and Louis’ heart thudded at what else was about to be done with him.  He could barely twitch one fingertip as he was strapped back to the table, fighting so hard against the drugs that were holding him in place. 

The tape was ripped harshly from his stomach where it had been holding his dick and it hurt worse than a bandaid.  His dick had gone soft and flopped down after being released.  Louis’ breath hitched when he thought of the scalpel taking that too.  

“At least you’re already circumcised,” the alpha shrugged and grabbed another syringe off the tray.  This one he injected directly into the head of his penis and the sensation pushed all the way down into his stomach.

“Just a few more doses of estrogen and omega hormones and you should be all set.  Now, in the meantime… let’s take care of this heat.” 

Louis continued to cry as the alpha took his virginity, knotting him over and over again while all he could do was blink. 

 

\-----

 

Louis sighed when he looked at the clock in the bottom corner of his monitor.  Still an hour left to go.  He wasn’t sure why he was always counting down the minutes until the end of his work day, not when being home was almost worse.  Sure, he had Buttons, his moody old cat, but even he couldn’t soothe the terminal loneliness that awaited Louis at his apartment each night.  Cooking for one, tv for one, bed for one.  He couldn’t remember the last time he had gone to bed without a heavy sigh over what his life had become.  

He was a 30 year old accountant that worked with stuffy old men that preferred their personal lives to remain personal.  It was a perfect arrangement for his situation, really, but it didn’t mean he enjoyed it.  In reality, he hated his boring job in his tiny, stuffy office.  He hated the view out of his tiny window that looked out into the parking ramp next door.  He hated the early mornings and the daily commute on the worst bus route.  He hated his rich, snobby clients and he  _ especially _ hated that once a month he had to trudge himself to the downtown office for his client rundown.  It was something that only the omegas had to do.  He hated it.  

But it was routine.  He popped his antidepressants each morning, inhaled a cigarette on his way to the bus stop and just kept moving himself forward.  The more he dulled his mind, the easier it was to pretend that he was living.  

“Tomlinson, meeting room in five.”  Louis startled at the voice, snapping his head over to his coworker who was already moving on to the next office.  

Oh right.  The interns had started that morning.  They came and went so quickly in Louis’ grey world that he barely took note when a new batch arrived.  It would be a few days of confusion while they all botched something up, but it usually smoothed out after that.  

Louis grabbed his date book and a pen, ready to take note of the upcoming deadlines that would no doubt be confirmed during the meeting as well.  He sat down alone towards the back, always trying to blend in and draw the least amount of attention to himself.  The less interactions, the better, only a shell of his former self.  

“As you know, tax season is quickly approaching.”  His boss had a voice like a professor, easy to tune out when he probably shouldn’t.  Louis flipped open his date book and started flipping the pages, pausing at the little pink sticky note reminding him of his next heat that was quickly approaching in a few days.  He’d have to put in a request on that sooner rather than later so someone else could look after his clients.  That was going to be annoying.  

“Tomlinson, Styles will be working under you.”  Louis snapped his head up at the mention of his name, eyebrows furrowing in confusion as he stared at the head of the room.  Louis never got an intern.  Sure, he was allowed to share some simple duties with one of the general office interns when he was swamped, but he had never been given his own.  

“What?” Slipped out of his mouth in shock.  

“Styles.  Your intern.”  His boss gestured towards a tall, lanky boy that was dressed much too well to be an underpaid intern.  Louis stared with an open mouth, still in shock over being acknowledged in the first place, while his intern navigated his way around the room to take the empty seat at his side. 

“Harry, Harry Styles,” the intern held out his hand, bright smile popping dimples into his cheeks.  Alpha.  All alpha.  Clean, pure, attractive alpha all the way around.  

Louis reached out hesitantly to shake before steeling himself and lassoing the fake confidence he had spent years perfecting.  

“Louis.  Louis Tomlinson,” Louis mirrored his introduction, flashing one of his own smiles that he used to charm his clients.  

“Thank you so much for the opportunity.  I know I’m a little older than most of the interns but I promise I am here to learn.” 

Louis wasn’t sure what to make of Harry Styles.  There seemed to be so many conflicting aspects and they were only at first impressions.  Alpha, but nice.  Well dressed but an unpaid intern.  Boyish yet apparently older than the rest.  Attractive but completely out of Louis’ reach.  Well, scratch that last one.  Finding an alpha attractive never turned out to be a healthy thing for Louis.  Having a crush was never a good idea.  It only caused the rupture of scarred over emotional wounds and, in the end, a higher dose of his medications.  It was better to shut it down before it even started.  

“Alright, interns, you’re dismissed.  See you bright and early tomorrow morning.”  

And with that the conference room was a buzz of voices, everyone shifting out to pack up for the end of the day.  Louis stayed in his seat for a few moments longer, taking a few deep breaths, trying to ignore the lingering scent of attractive alpha that he had spent over a decade trying to ignore.  

 

\-----

 

Buttons scampered away to hide beneath the sofa as soon as Louis returned home.  

“Oh Buttons, you’re such a bitch of a cat.  I should trade you in for one who actually wants to keep me company.”  Louis sighed as he tossed his keys on the table by the door and hung up his jacket.  He tried to ignore the twinge of rejection that even his pet gave him.  He supposed that having a standoffish hermit of an owner was bound to rub off on even the animals around him, Buttons often choosing to keep to himself as well.  Part of him wished he had the patience for a dog that would run to greet him when he came home from work, but he knew the guilt would be too heavy.  It wouldn’t be fair to bring a dog into his defunct life, especially on the weekends he couldn’t even bring himself to get out of bed.  Buttons was a presence in the house but at least he could take care of himself for the most part as long as Louis remembered to keep his water and food bowl full.  

He loosened the tie from around his neck and headed straight for the bedroom.  Another day had left him feeling exhausted.  He was always exhausted if he was being honest.  The rest of his business attire ended up on the floor, loose sweatpants replacing them.  Work clothes and pajamas were the only two outfit choices he had, never going anywhere socially to need anything else.  He’d been required to attend a company retreat last year and had had to order clothes just so he wouldn’t stand out amongst everyone else’s casual dress.  He’d returned the ones he could right after.  

The microwave dinged to signal his HotPocket was ready but the reminder really wasn’t needed.  He’d stood there watching it spin the whole time.  Carefully, he picked it up and headed back to his bedroom, 7pm and already wished it was time to sleep.  He probably would if his thoughts didn’t stop him.  

He flipped the tv on for some background noise while he ate and flipped around until it landed on Investigation Discovery.  It was morbid but the murder shows sometimes helped him with his perpetual pity party.  It was oddly soothing to watch the distress of others when his own was so hard to cope with.  He had numbed himself to so many emotions that sometimes feeling someone else’s was the only way he could process them.  

It flipped to a commercial break and he almost wasn’t paying attention, wished he hadn’t been paying attention.  

_ “New episodes of How It Really Happened starting next Tuesday.  Approaching the 10 year anniversary of the arrest of Byron Mitchell, we explore the life of a psychopath kidnapping and changing the lives of male omegas for decades before being apprehended.  Join us to see How It Really Happened.”  _

Louis’ blood ran cold, a spark of anger buzzing through him like a drug.  

“You’ll never know  _ how it really happened _ ,” he muttered, discarding the last few bites of his HotPocket on the bedside table, no longer having the stomach for it.  

Louis had been one of the victims to avoid the spotlight, declining the chance to be a witness in such a high profile case in order to keep what he had left of his dignity intact.  There were so many others to come forward, anyway, paraded around all the talk shows and news outlets to tell their stories.  They’d all put on a good performance but it made Louis sick.  They were all liars.  That wasn’t really what it was like to live in the aftermath of what that monster had done to them.  They didn’t talk about the shame, the isolation, the rejection.  They failed to mention the depression, the worthlessness, the heats spent sobbing with the pain they weren’t able to release, that they’d never be able to release.  

The fact that so many of the known victims had taken their own lives was always carefully brushed under the rug.  There were only a few of them left.  

Nobody wanted a broken omega.  No alpha wanted to deal with the extra baggage that came with them.  There would never be anyone willing to accept their mutilated bodies.  

He turned the tv off to plunge the room into darkness, sliding down into the false comfort of the heavy covers.  His breath was coming out in shaky gasps and he squeezed his eyes shut to try to control them.  

His hand had made it down the front of his loose sweatpants before he registered it, fingers moving to stroke across the light scar and smooth skin where his balls had been.  It had been years but there were so many small things that still threw him back to those first few months, fingertips moving over the stitches and then the healing scar, always checking to see if it was real.  It became something that grounded him even while it upset him.  He refused to look down at himself if he could avoid it, not wanting to see his shrunken dick from the extra hormones or the reminder of his gelding.  

But touching, touching had become a thing.  

Stroking the soft skin there calmed him like a baby sucking its thumb.  He couldn’t explain why it did but there were a lot of things in his life that no longer made sense anymore.  Why he didn’t talk to his family, why he could go months without washing his sheets, why washing dishes was such a daunting task that he only used disposable plates, why he could stare at the overflowing garbage for days before finding the energy to take it out, why going into the main office of his apartment building to get his mail required hours of psyching himself up for it.  Most of his life didn’t make sense so why would something as simple as that?    

Eventually he was able to fall into a fitful sleep, knowing that even though it was so early, waking up still exhausted was just a given.  


	2. Chapter 2

Louis hated the bus route downtown.  It wasn’t that the people were much different than his normal route– which he also hated– but it was much longer and there never seemed to be any seats.  There was a time when alphas would jump up to give any omega their seat like a gentleman but times had changed. As much as Louis hated omega stereotypes and the way society still seemed to treat them as fragile beings, the bus rule was one that he wished was still in practice.  He just really wanted to sit down. His day hadn’t even started and he was already exhausted. His body felt heavy, his mind cloudy.

He struggled his way off the crowded bus at the stop closest to the downtown office, briefcase of files gripped in his hand.  His shoes needed shining, he noted, watching them as he made his way up the concrete steps to the grand front entrance so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with anyone.  

“Would you like some coffee, Mr. Tomlinson?” 

Louis looked up in surprise to see his intern, Harry, standing at the top of the steps with sleep puffy eyes and a paper to-go coffee cup in each hand.  

“They messed up my order so I have a spare!” Harry smiled at him though it faltered when Louis just stared at him.  “Okay, I lied. I thought maybe you’d like a coffee and I was trying to make a good impression. Are you a coffee drinker?” 

“What are you doing here?” Louis asked instead, confused by his presence when this wasn’t even their branch.  He was only here for his client briefing since the company thought omegas obviously needed minders. There wasn’t any tasks for an intern to even do.  The expression on Harry’s face dropped. 

“It was on your schedule and I thought it would be good for me to get a run down of your clients if I’m going to be helping you out.” 

“I can handle my clients just fine without alpha intervention.”  

“I agree with you.  I’m just here to do the busy work so you can do the important parts.”  Harry’s wide eyes and open expression looked sincere and, after a moment, Louis wordlessly accepted the coffee.  With any luck, it would help him get through the next hour. 

Harry trailed behind him down the hallway and then up the elevator to the fifth floor, both sipping at their coffees during the ride.  

They didn’t have to wait long before they were called into the conference room, professionally shaking hands with the stuffy old alphas before taking a seat.  

“And who is this?” One of the men asked and nodded towards Harry.  

“Harry Styles, sir.  I’m an intern.” Harry introduced himself and then set about helping Louis organize his folders.  

“An intern, Tomlinson?  I’m sure we can reassign some of your clients if you aren’t able to handle your workload.”  

Louis’ blood ran cold at the implication, fighting the urge to widen his stance and square his shoulders but also fighting not to curl in on himself in defeat and shame.  It was a strange limbo he fought every time his gender was called into question. It put him back on that table, struggling to fight for himself but in the end helpless against the damage.  

“I’m just a student, sir,” he heard Harry speak up, “I’m here to learn from Mr. Tomlinson, not make up for any inadequacies in his performance.”  

Louis turned to stare at the intern after the unexpected support.  He couldn’t remember the last time–  _ any  _ time– that an alpha had sacrificed their own praise and recognition for him, that an alpha had made the effort to validate him.

“Very well.  Let’s get through the progress reports.”  

Louis wasn’t a stranger to the bored tone of the older alphas and so he started to work through his reports just as he did every week.  What he was a stranger to, though, was the small smile that Harry shot him the next time they made eye contact. The genuinity of it made something warm and foreign fight against the lockbox of his emotions.  It was just a hairline fracture but still felt altering, tripping over his words a few times before he was able to lock it back down. 

In the end, it felt like it had been the fastest downtown meeting he’d ever been made to sit through.  If asked, he wouldn’t be able to recall much past that small smile and the kindness that seemed to warm the room.  That wasn’t going to be good for his reputation. 

 

\-----

 

It was nearing five o’clock a few days later when he called Harry back into his office.  

“I’ll need you to cross check the information on each of these while I’m away for the next few days.  It would also be helpful for you to prep these spreadsheets and file these batches.” 

Louis set the folders down in front of Harry on his desk.  They landed heavily with a thud and Louis imagined they would have been accompanied by a puff of dust if he kept his office any less tidied than it was.  

“The next few days?” Harry picked up one of the files to glance through it before looking up, “Heat leave?” 

Louis’ brow furrowed.  He’d never been so bluntly asked about his heat leaves before.  It was one of those things that nobody talked about. Don’t ask, don’t tell.  He would just be gone for a few days and return as if if had just been a normal weekend away from the office.  It was one of the reasons why he liked his job. There would be no way he could survive a workplace like the ones portrayed on tv.  The first time someone wanted to gossip about his dating life or heats would be his last day on the job. He would run for the hills, remove himself immediately.  It was the last thing he wanted to talk about, the last thing he wanted to draw attention to. Less questions, the better. 

“That’s inappropriate,” Louis blurted out, staring across his desk at his intern.  He really needed to get himself together. There were much better ways to inform the newbie that those things just weren’t addressed in the workplace.  

“No it’s not,” Harry just shrugged after a moment, going back to looking through the files.  “My mom’s an omega, so’s my sister. It’s not something to be embarrassed about. Normalize it, is what I say.” 

“It’s inappropriate and unprofessional for you to ask your boss if they’re going on heat leave when there are plenty of reasons to take time from work.  Like vacations.” 

“Are you going on on vacation?” 

Harry waited for an answer with brows raised expectantly.  Louis tried to actively convince himself the expression wasn’t attractive while also trying to think of an excuse.  Going away for the weekend, going to visit family, even that he had a fucking doctor’s appointment. None of that came out of his mouth.  

“No,” he finally stated, laced with petulance.   

“Then I don’t see what the problem is.”  

Harry’s smirk was teasing but so gently that there was a nagging urge for Louis to match it with his own.  The old Louis probably would have given in. The old Louis, what the teenage Louis would have grown to be, would probably have been flirting and wanting to invite the alpha home with him to ride out his heat.  Probably. That was so long ago that Louis wasn’t sure he quite remembered how that had felt to crave the touch of an alpha, to jerk off to the image of a sexy body, to even joke around about what got him off. It had been well over a decade since he’d even had an orgasm, over a decade since his heat had been anything but a painful, frustrating and unsatisfying trip through hell.

Of course Harry didn’t know that.  It had probably just been Harry’s way of throwing a wink to him about getting to spend several days at home jerking or fucking his way through his heat.  He didn’t know that Louis was broken, Louis didn’t know how to navigate social cues.

The shame started to bleed into every crevice and started to swallow him up from the inside.  He clenched his fists and steeled himself, shoved it all back into the vault and struggled to close the door up tight, struggled to regain the numbness that got him through each day.  

Harry didn’t know about Louis’ inadequacies but that didn’t mean he was willing grin and bear it, that he was willing to play along.  

“I expect them to be done and on my desk by Monday,” Louis commanded, an angry edge to his voice.  

Louis stood and shrugged on his blazer while Harry gaped at him in shock, removing himself from the interaction before he did anything that might reveal himself.  There had been no one that chummy with him since the incident and his heart started to shake with nerves while he ran through the brief conversation over and over in his head.  It had been an irrational response, an uncalled for outburst, an unnatural and awkward way to respond to what had probably just been a joke. He’d spent his life up to then keeping a low profile and diverting attention, keeping his secrets close.  He wasn’t about to let a young alpha intern to break down his meticulously bricked wall, cause him to blurt out unexpected things and then put the puzzle pieces together to expose him if there been any hints he had given away in the process. 

He was still shaking by the time he arrived home, the bus ride a more tense and uncomfortable one than normal.  There may have been other things contributing to his tremors by then, though, his skin having started to feel clammy as well.  He wasn’t expecting his heat until the next day. 

Then again, he could never count on being regular.  Especially when there was stress involved. 

With nothing but good intentions, Louis’ mother had paraded him around to countless specialists getting second, third, fourth opinions on how to proceed with his condition.  Undressing and being examined by each new doctor was not only humiliating but also made his body seize in panic each and every time. Frozen to the exam table, he found himself in that basement once again only this time, his paralysis was psychological.  It was traumatic and each new appointment made him more anxious and terrified than the one before. 

For his mother’s sake, he’d let them try hormone therapies and replacements, shooting him up with all sorts of chemical substitutions, even some modified from those of pigs.  He hated every one of them. 

They’d made him gain weight, lose weight, have hot flashes, break out in terrible acne– but worst of all, they all increased his sex drive.  At the time, even thinking about touching himself made his skin crawl and his stomach curdle. Having the increased biological urge to do it was one of the worst forms of torture.  After he had abandoned– or more accurately refused– all the treatments and had started to slowly recover from the rape, he found his reasons for not wanting to touch himself had taken on a different form.  

It had taken him years to get to a point where he realized his aversion to touching himself was no longer because the thought made him sick but that it had simply become a lack of the urge to do so.  The decreased production of sex hormones in his body had naturally dwindled out to nothing– save for his irregular heats– which had erased his libido and his penis had atrophied to the point of no return, limp and shriveled and useless.  It hadn’t helped that his kidnapper had sped that process along from the start. 

Use it or lose it and lost it, he had.  

His heats came in different waves than they had before.  They weren’t always the urgent need to be filled and bred every time, more often just a painful ache that left him sobbing and sweating and uncomfortable.  

At least making it into the house first before his frustrated tears took over, Louis stumbled over towards his couch while he fought with the button of his trousers.  He folded over at the waist against the back of the couch, pushing his face into the corner of his elbow with a sob. It was at least easy to slip his hand beneath his boxers, widening his stance while his fingers found his point of comfort.  The skin between his legs felt soft and smooth against his fingertips, the hair that used to grow now replaced with just some light peach fuzz. He traced the delicate scar back and forth until he had calmed enough to breathe. 

Slick slowly started to gather between his legs, disrupting his gentle strokes, and the reality of his heat was brought back to him.  Was Harry imagining him writhing and moaning in bed? Was he smirking as he thought about all the orgasms he assumed Louis was having?  Was he hard and wanting to be a part of it? 

His hole contracted and he felt blob of slick pulse out of him.  It was a startling and foreign feeling but one that felt surprisingly good.  His fingers had slid back to investigate before he over thought it and traced circles around his opening.  It shouldn’t have been such a striking realization that his body was responding to the thoughts of an alpha but to Louis, it was.  His focus was always on the pain, the inconvenience, never on the things his biology was telling him he needed. Right now, his biology, his body, was telling him to think about Harry. 

His trousers were soaked through and, for once, he let his usually confined mind wander.  Harry’s beautiful hair, his radiant smile. Harry’s oozing kindness and irresistible charisma.  But, more honestly, Harry’s thick alpha dick. Louis had seen the bulge in his tight trousers more than once, an unfortunate set up in the office that often left Harry’s crotch at eye level while grabbing files from the top shelf right beside Louis’ desk.  He’d never thought about it before– never let himself– but the alpha’s knot had to be massive. They always said that knot size was directly proportionate to the rest of the body and Harry’s hands dwarfed Louis’ and the kid tripped over his own clown feet on a daily basis.  That had to mean something.

Louis needed to feel that knot stretching him open.  

He’d somehow shed his trousers and squatted on his living room floor.  One hand braced himself on the back of the couch while his other was three fingers deep and thrusting into his wet hole.  It felt so good for once, felt like what he had been needing to finally feel whole again, felt like he was almost there– 

Louis sobbed out as the suspended peak gave way to frustration, crumpling down onto the floor with the pain of insatiable need.  He curled in on himself and held a fetal position, feeling the loss all over again as his body screamed for the orgasm and release that still wouldn’t come.  He hadn’t been so close in years, hadn’t been naive enough to let himself be desperately hopeful only to be upset all over again when it didn’t happen. It had been so long since he had  _ felt _ something.

Why did Harry have to come barrelling into his life and throw off his tightened down and rigid routine of just going through the motions??  He was melting into a pool of sweat and snot and tears and slick. It until his body was too exhausted to function that he finally shut down, lost to the unsettled bliss of sleep.  


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

 

 

Louis returned to work on Monday morning feeling exhausted and restless, frustrated and pent up from his days spent battling his heat.  He was fully aware of the dark shadows under his eyes and the lack of colour in his cheeks but nothing had worked to erase the evidence of his rough struggle.  His body was tired and worn out and determined to show it when he should have been returning fresh faced and glowing. 

Harry was sitting in Louis’ chair with his feet up on his desk when he came in, the intern jumping to stand after being caught.  

“You’re back!” he greeted enthusiastically before his face fell to one of concern. “You don’t look well, are you ill?” 

“No, of course I’m not ill.  No one says ill anymore,” Louis grumbled and made his way around his desk, brushing off the place where Harry’s feet had been even though there wasn’t any evidence they had been resting there.  

“Bad comedown?  Alpha not taking care of you?” 

Harry’s questions rubbed him raw from so many angles that he felt like he couldn’t squirm away from their abrasive implications.  Of course it was a bad comedown, he’d never even come  _ up _ to begin with, just down even lower than where he had started.  And to even mention an alpha– 

He felt a hint of slick as his hole clenched at the word, the alpha that had made his most recent heat both a blessing and a curse standing in front of him and causing a flash of obscene images to momentarily take his attention.  

Louis ventured a look up at the dreamy alpha and felt another wave of slick ooze out when he caught the twitching flare of Harry’s nostrils and the darkening of his eyes.  

“You’re wet,” Harry stated deeply, the paper in his hand crumpling in his grip.  Louis squeaked and tried to clench his cheeks together to hide the truth he’d just been called out on.  Being scented so openly was something that had never happened to him. His office suddenly felt like the cliched scene of movies he’d seen and it was like watching someone else ride through the sexual tension in the room like an observer rather than an active participant.  He felt like a fish out of water, flopping around and not sure what to do next. His body was calling out for the alpha and he wasn’t sure how to stop it. 

Harry was quick to shut and lock the office door and was plastered up against Louis’ back in a heartbeat.  

“Why are you wet?  Thinking about what your alpha did to you?” Harry’s voice was rough and his nose pressed in near his ear, breathing in audibly.  Louis tried to ignore the way his head tilted to the side on instinct as an invitation. 

“No alpha,” was all Louis could breathe out, voice wavering and hands bracing himself on the desktop.  

“Didn’t think so.”  

Harry’s big hands slid up under his blazer, pushing it from Louis’ shoulders and only parting long enough to toss it to the floor.  Louis pressed his fingers against the desktop so hard they went white to keep himself from tearing away to hang it up instead. It wasn’t a priority and he knew allowing himself to be scented by an alpha in what might be his only chance was an opportunity he shouldn’t fuck up by the thought of some wrinkles.  

“Never smelled you before, don’t know how I missed it, so unique.”  

Harry let his hands roam over Louis’ body and, for once, Louis just let it happen.  He couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched him past a brush of bodies on a crowded bus or a professional handshake.  Every part of him was quivering and he worried that his knees might give out with one more caress. 

“Let me take care of you.  Let me release that tension.” 

Warm plush lips pressed against his neck along his hairline and then to his jaw, goosebumps erupted over his arms and his heart stuttered.  His head swam in the remnants of his heat, reignited by the rich scent of alpha arousal that had cocooned around him in the last few minutes.  He wanted it, was scared to admit that he did, but whatever “it” was, he wanted it. 

With his ass pressed pointedly into Harry’s crotch in some unconscious move, Louis then leaned forward on his desk and braced himself on his forearms.  

“Fuck yes,” Harry hissed and fumbled with his belt while Louis worked on his own.  They hadn’t verbally discussed with each other but their pheromones were doing a dance that communicated everything they needed to know.  It was the language that couldn’t lie. 

Keeping some sense of control, Louis only pushed his trousers low enough for the curve of his cheeks to be exposed, playing it off as a quick office fuck move while in reality hiding what he could.  With his bent position, he kept the front of his trousers hooked over his useless dick, thighs together to seal that gap. 

It was wrong for so many reasons, but fuck, Louis wanted it, wanted to feel it.  He didn’t care that Harry was his employee or that they were at their place of employment, didn’t care that his first consensual experience was going to be with someone he barely knew.  

“I’m open,” Louis whispered before he hid his face against his desk calendar then shifted his hips out and arched his back in what he hoped was an attractive way.  

“Didn’t satisfy that heat at all, did you?” Harry was mumbling, a thumb sliding through his slick.  

Louis bit back a sob at how true that statement was and squeezed his eyes shut to suppress the overwhelming surge of emotions that would come and ruin the moment if he let it.  He couldn’t think about the inevitability that this too would have a frustrating end. He couldn’t allow Harry to see that crack of weakness that would just lead to questions he didn’t want to answer.  

The hot press of Harry’s cock made his heart start to race, the fire of need burning up within him and begging to be stoked.  Harry’s deep moan only added to it and then his hole was being stretched through a slick pressure. The pages of his calendar wrinkled up under his palms.  

“Fuck, are you sure you’re open?” Harry was breathing heavily and fought to get the words out through the pressure didn’t let up.  Louis just nodded through the stretch and bit down so hard on his lip that he thought he might start tasting blood soon. 

It felt good, though.  So good. 

Harry was thick and hot and hard and everything Louis thought he would be.  It was so much better than dildos or his fingers and seemed to press against and stretch out everything it touched inside of him.  Those big hands gripped his hips when Harry started to thrust, nothing sugar coated or romantic about the encounter. It was just a self indulgent fuck for both of them and Louis was okay with that.  No strings, no awkward situations, no embarrassing explanations about what had happened to him. Just an attractive dick in his ass while they were both still mostly clothed. It was perfect. 

Louis tried to hold his tears back when he felt his dick twitch weakly, not a sign of recovery but a phantom sensation from a previous life that had dwindled to only distant memories.  It mixed up his emotions while he was trying to focus on how it felt to be touched again and attempted to pull him away from the present. Louis fought against it and focused on the slick warm slide of Harry’s thick alpha cock.   

“Gonna knot you so good,” Harry grunted with each slam of his hips, his knot already catching on his aching rim.  

Louis’ whole body tensed.  Faced with the moment of truth, he wasn’t sure if he could handle Harry’s knot, wasn’t sure if his body was ready for it.  

But then Harry slammed forward, Louis’ hips hitting the sharp corner of the desk yet there was another sensation that pulled him away from the pain.  Harry’s knot swelled full just inside his rim and made his whole body buzz and shake and he was almost there– almost– so close—

Louis let out a frustrated sob when something yanked him back from the edge.  He had been less than a second away from stretching his wings, fly after diving off the cliff, soaring through the air.  In that last moment something had tackled him back down to solid ground and robbed him from the freeing feel of an adrenaline rush he had been so built up to ride.  

Harry must have mistaken the noise for one of pleasure and kissed the back of Louis’ neck with murmurs of praise while his hips stuttered and pumped Louis full of come through his elongated oragasm.  

“Sound so desperate when you come,” Harry mumbled while Louis hid the reality of his tears against his hand.  

The worst part was that it still felt good.  Harry’s knot was still pressing against him at an angle that made his muscles contract with even the slightest movement, a constant reminder that he might still be coming himself if he hadn’t been so broken.  

Louis had managed to pull himself together by the time Harry’s knot deflated and set them free.  The giddy and sated expression on Harry’s face made him look much younger with dimples that gave him an edge of innocence.  The beauty broke Louis down inside. Harry was an alpha with such a good soul and he wore it on his sleeve without hesitation.  It made Louis’ heart ache as he pulled up and fastened his trousers. 

Maybe in another world, Louis could love him.  If things were different, maybe Harry could love  _ him _ .  

 

\-----

 

“Lou.” 

Louis looked up from his books and frowned at the interruption.  Harry was sitting in the chair on the other side of his desk, lounging back with legs crossed and ankle resting just above his knee and arms crossed across his chest in a way that only Harry could make acceptable.  If any other intern sat in his office in such a way, Louis would be quick to correct their posture. It somehow just felt wrong to correct Harry on being Harry. Louis didn’t want to think about why. 

“I told you not to call me that,” Louis tried to sound stern but knew it lacked the bite.  

“ _ Mr. Tomlinson _ ,” Harry corrected with a small smirk, “I was wondering what your plans were this fine Friday night.”  

“As we’ve discussed, my plans are none of your business,” Louis tried to sound disinterested and turned his attention back to his books.  

It wasn’t the first time that Harry had asked about his plans.  Weeks had passed since  _ the incident _ , as Louis referred to it, and he’d refused to acknowledge any of Harry’s attempts to bring it up.  He had also cleverly avoided any conversation that seemed headed in a more personal direction. It was obvious Harry had been trying to court him but Louis continued to play dumb.  Pretending to be oblivious seemed to have worked so far. 

“I would very much like the chance to make them my business.”  Harry uncrossed his legs, leaned forward and rested his arms against the edge of Louis’ desk.  It moved him close enough that Louis could smell the determination rolling from his glands in waves.  

Louis set his pencil down and straightened his posture.  

“Harry,” Louis ignored Harry’s mocking  _ I told you not to call me that  _ comment and continued, “This is a professional relationship and in a few months you will move on to whatever it is that you are planning to do.  I refuse to humour you in your curiosity about my personal life.” 

Louis picked up his pencil and went back to his books, trying his best to remain stoic and unaffected by the scent slowly filling the room.  

“Lou.  Louis.”  Harry reached out a gentle hand and stopped Louis’ pencil mid-calculation.  He waited patiently until Louis reluctantly looked up and met his intense gaze.  “I know you’re trying to be professional but, like you said, I won’t be your intern much longer.  You’re attracted to me, too, I can tell, yet you keep blowing me off. I’m not saying we have to enter into a formal courtship but will you please at least let me take you out for dinner?  Somewhere away from the office? If it’s terrible, we just leave it at that. So. Dinner?” 

Louis looked over Harry’s face, the open expression there and the delicate touch of his hand.  There was a battle playing out within Louis’ core because, while he knew he shouldn’t, he wanted to say yes.  He wanted to experience those movie moments at least once in his lifetime, wanted them to revisit when he was alone and faced with the reality that he always would be.  There wasn’t any way that accepting Harry’s offer wouldn’t end badly yet a small glimpse of normal was taunting him like a drug. 

Louis must have lost control of his own scent since the warm smell of hope had started to surround him from the alpha still watching him.  It was so hard to fight against that and Harry’s puppy dog face. 

“Dinner.  Once. And then I don’t want to hear about this again.”  

Harry’s grin erupted to take over his entire face, dimples popping in and eyes sparkling. 

“Great! I’ll take it!  I’ll pick you up at eight!”  Harry beamed and went back to his work but Louis notice that the smile never fell from his face.  He tried to ignore how warm it made him feel. 


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

“I think I should cancel,” Louis stared into his closet and then turned to Buttons with a sigh.  He didn’t have anything to wear to dinner. 

If he had a second chance to revise his answer to Harry, he would go back with a firm no.  There was nothing in his wardrobe that would be acceptable for a date, even one he was only pretending to be on.  Sweatpants and boring dress shirts were the only options he had to choose from with no time for a shopping trip. Spending money on something he would only wear once didn’t sound like a waste of money anyway.  

As eight o’clock approached, Louis ended up in a deep purple dress shirt and the same style black trousers he wore to work almost every day.  He didn’t even pause to look in the mirror or he knew he would have talked himself out of going at all. He didn’t even need talking out of it, actually.  He already didn’t want to go through with it. 

When Harry knocked on his door, Louis was already turning the knob.  He rushed out and closed the door behind him so Harry wouldn’t be able to catch a glimpse of how he lived and then stood awkwardly against the door with flowers in his face.  

“Brought you these?” Harry said with confusion, “We should probably put them in some water.” 

“They’re fine for now, I’m sure.  We can take them with us,” Louis rushed out and gathered them into his arms.  

Harry hesitated but then shrugged, leading the way to his car parked along the street.  

“I thought we’d keep it simple and go somewhere we could chat,” Harry said once they had pulled up to a small diner that Louis had never seen before.  It looked nearly empty inside with semi-isolated booths and Louis immediately grew nervous. He’d thought about the general idea of a dinner date but with the diner staring him in the face, he realized that he would be expected to  _ chat _ .  That was exactly the opposite of anything he wanted to do.  

Louis was frozen to his seat with flowers clutched in his hands, a panic spreading through him.  Harry was going to ask questions, expect answers, expect Louis to be normal. He wasn’t sure where to run.  

A knock on his window startled him so much that the seat belt across his chest bruised his collar bone.  

“Coming?” Harry asked with a warm smile on his face even though Louis was sure he looked like a terrified animal on the other side of the glass.  

With shaky hands, he unbuckled his seat belt and rested the flowers on the now vacant driver’s side.  

“Come on, let’s go inside and I can tell you why I’m an intern at a boring accounting firm,” Harry grinned and poked Louis with a playful elbow once he had extracted himself from the car.  Louis tried to force a smile back though he knew it had to look like a grimace. Maybe he could make it through the meal if he kept Harry talking about himself. 

As they were seated and placing their orders, Louis tried to collect himself.  He sat with Harry in his office nearly every day and dinner didn’t have to be any different if he kept his walls up.  

Louis listened while Harry spoke animatedly about his passions, gesturing along with his stories and descriptions in a way that had Louis captivated and genuinely invested in hearing them out.  Harry went on to explain how he had ended up an accounting intern, going back to school so he would have the tools to keep his own business and finances afloat while remaining as independent as he hoped to be.  

By the time dessert was devoured, Louis had hardly spoken about himself at all and had come to embrace the fact that their dinner date had been more enjoyable than he had anticipated.  Something in his chest twinged with the thought of having to walk away but knew he’d always think of the date fondly. 

“Lou?” 

Louis snapped out of his thoughts and looked up.  He found a slightly concerned expression waiting for him that turned into something timid.  

“I had a really good time tonight, Louis.  I would really like to see you again– outside of work I mean– if you’d let me.”  

Louis was saying yes before his brain caught up and his cheeks grew warm at the implications of that reaction.  He really did like Harry. He really did want to see him again. His instincts just needed to slow down and understand that, for Louis, acting on those urges would only ever truly be fantasies.  He needed to use his rational brain when it came to Harry, not his body. 

His body hadn’t yet received the memo when twenty minutes later he found himself in the backseat of Harry’s car with the alpha’s dick heavy on his tongue.  Harry’s tangy taste lingered in the corners of his mouth and he was proud of himself for only sputtering a few times without exactly knowing what he was doing.  The car windows had steamed up with the humid scent of sex, Harry’s alluring aroma more potent since the car was his. 

Louis thought he could get used to the lazy and satisfied grin that tugged at Harry’s lips once he had come, the one that only grew wider when Louis pushed the hands away that were trying to return the favour.  If Harry had assumed that the blowjob had gotten Louis off as well then Louis wasn’t going to correct him. He just considered it a win win.

 

\-----

 

Louis felt like he was living a life that wasn’t his as the next few months rolled on with dinners, enthusiastic blow jobs and clothed quickies that made Louis’ toes curl.  He was even learning to be less frustrated when climax never came, slowly learning to appreciate and ride the passion that Harry always gave him with each encounter. 

If anyone asked, he’d say that things were going well and it was getting more difficult to remember that their fling had an expiration date the longer things went on.  He had even started to feel cautiously optimistic that just maybe things would work out, but he wasn’t naive. 

The last of those optimistic feelings were shattered late one night in Harry’s apartment.  

It was a Saturday night leading up to Louis’ heat when Harry had invited him over for homemade lasagna, a bottle of wine and perhaps a movie.  Louis had yet to ask Harry to help him through his cycle and, though he had no intention of asking, he could tell that Harry was hinting around at just that.  

Their sex life so far had been simple.  Louis had made sure that it was. One wrong move, one more piece of clothing shed and he would have to answer questions he didn’t want to explain.  It would be humiliating and bring a finality to the relationship he just wasn’t quite ready to let go of. 

Harry had been slowly pushing for more, trying to coax Louis into more than a quick fuck bent over the couch or the kitchen table.  Louis was always ready with an excuse or distraction, trying his best to preemptively redirect Harry’s attention back to what they were already doing.  So far, that method had worked but he could tell that Harry was getting frustrated each time he was blocked. Louis could only assume that Harry was hinting about helping Louis out with his heat in hopes that Louis would finally open up.  Louis had to make sure that would never happen. 

The dishes had barely been set in the sink when Harry had plastered himself against Louis’ back.  Those sinfully soft lips teased Louis’ skin and made him melt into the strong arms that were becoming so welcoming and familiar.  It was far too easy to let Harry spoil him with touch, every point of contact leaving Louis’ body buzzing and warm with something he had come to crave.  A large palm splayed out over his tummy beneath his loose teeshirt and he closed his eyes to enjoy the feeling. It had been an informal dinner so both had dressed in sweatpants in anticipation of having a lazy movie night once they had eaten.  It made them both feel snuggly and soft. 

“Movie can wait,” Harry mumbled against Louis’ neck, tongue teasing the soft skin until he had worked his way down to Louis’ mating spot.  It had been something that Harry had discovered early on, just the lightest graze of lips across it left Louis weak in the knees and whining.  Louis had been surprised to learn this about himself as well but never pushed him away.

Louis had never let himself dwell on having kids so he hadn’t been expecting to be so affected by the possibility.  He could only get pregnant if the mating spot was bitten to stimulate ovulation so the revelation that his body wanted it to happen had caused him to have several breakdowns when he realized that children were just another casualty to his condition.  That didn’t mean he didn’t still enjoy when Harry did it, though. 

Harry latched on and sucked, swirling his tongue against the suctioned skin until Louis was a mess of moans and weak limbs.  His thoughts were swirling, so lost in the feeling that he foolishly lost control of the moment, a ragdoll at Harry’s will. 

Suddenly Louis’ eyes flew open wide but his reflexes were lagging just a few more seconds behind.  

Harry’s hand had slipped down into his loose sweatpants, the mumbled  _ “let me touch you” _ and the foreign feeling of fingers between his legs snapping him back like a thick rubber band.  It felt like a suspended motion move like the Matrix as he twisted himself out of Harry’s grasp and somehow ended up across the room.  Time resumed with lightning speed while Louis stood there shaking like a leaf and staring at Harry in terror. 

He did the only thing he could think of.  He ran. 

The front door slammed heavily into the wall and he distantly heard something shatter behind him just before the blood pulsing in his ears drown out any other sound.  His feet were bare but numb against the rough concrete and gravel they carried him over. He pushed forward until his body gave up, muscles giving out and causing him to stumble onto the chilled grass.  

It was the edge of a park, streetlights barely bright enough to illuminate the swingset and jungle gym not far off.  He shuffled himself back until he was hidden by the bordering hedges, mulch poking through his clothing and body shaking so violently he was barely able to shove his own hand down into his joggers.  The tips of his own fingers moved between his legs like a magnet, stroking across the smooth scar while his lungs burned and muscles cramped. 

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed hidden in the park but enough time had passed that his shivers only came from the chill of the night.  Like a pacifier, he continued to stroke his scar until his breathing returned to a more regulated pattern and he was slowly able to process what had just happened.  

It was all over, then.  His secret was out. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pretend bullshit isn't happening and live in fic world - even dark fic world. Thank you for reading this fucked up verse. Hope you all enjoyed the ride.

* * *

 

 

 

The moon had long since gone to bed by the time Louis had made it home so he did the exact same.  Exhausted and spent, he collapsed onto his mattress without doing more than kicking off his jeans.  In such a state, his mind had defaulted to autopilot, the numb blankness a welcome veil. 

His alarm rang the next morning, as always, and Louis’ muscle memory took him through the motions of getting ready for work.  Shower. Brush teeth. Dress in grey. He was sitting at his desk without a memory of his commute in no time. It wasn’t missing time, just motions so routine they failed to register.  

So routine that it wasn’t until his office door opened that he even remembered it wasn’t just a normal Monday.  

“Louis?  I didn’t expect you to be here.”  Harry’s voice was soft but it still startled Louis out of his focused bubble.  

Like a flash of lightning, everything rushed back to Louis at the sight of the alpha in the doorway and the timid scent that followed made it even worse.  

“What are you talking about?  This is  _ my _ office,” Louis stared at Harry.  It was the only thing he could do, really.  His thoughts were moving too swiftly to process.  

“I guess just because, well, your heat and everything.”  Harry was uncharacteristically bashful and had yet to to fully enter the office from his place leaning against the door jam.  

Louis stared at him until the cogs started to turn at a speed he could comprehend.  Fuck. His heat. He’d taken heat leave for it and he hadn’t even remembered, his brain too muffled with cotton to even recognize the beginnings of the itch that buzzed just under his skin.  He wasn’t close enough to fall to it within minutes but definitely within the next twenty-four hours. 

He wasn’t sure which aspect of the situation to be more panicked about.  

Harry glanced back into the hallway and then slipped into the office and quietly clicked the door shut behind him.  

“Are you okay?  Do you need me to get you a ride home?”  Harry’s voice was gentle and concerned, worry etched all over his handsome face.  

“I’m fine,” came out on auto-response and new creases etched their way onto Harry’s forehead.  

“Are you sure?  I don’t know if it’s strong enough for anyone else to notice, but I can definitely smell you.”

“I’m fine!” Louis snipped out a little harsher and tried his best to catalogue the signs his body was betraying him.  He didn’t think anything was coming through enough to be detected but it was also difficult to decide when the longer Harry was in front of him, the more hyper-focused he became on the fact that Harry  _ knew _ .  

Harry slowly sat down and slouched in the chair, shoulders hunched in on themselves in an unsuccessful attempt at making himself appear smaller.  

“I know you’re not very happy with me right now,” Harry started, fingers nervously playing with the rings on his fingers.  “I crossed a line and I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to push you.”

“I just don’t like being touched.” Louis focused on keeping his voice even and his face a steel mask of indifference.  If the end was going to come on the edge of heat with his secret hanging between them like a disgusting skinned carcass, he was going out strong as if his life depended on it.  He would make sure it was the one area that his weakness could never touch. 

Harry nodded once and then timidly looked up at Louis.  “You’re just so responsive to every other touch that it’s hard for me to believe that that’s true.”  

“You don’t have to believe me.  You just have to respect what I said.”  

“I know, you’re right.  You’re absolutely right,” Harry held up his hands in surrender and then bit down into his plushy bottom lip for a moment.  “It’s just that– I, um, I felt something, there, when I touched you. And I don’t want that to be the reason you won’t let me.” 

“It’s none of your business,” Louis heard his voice say but his heart rate had picked up and the blood whooshing behind his ears made it sound far away.  

“I know it’s not, I know.  I just don’t want that you to feel like you have to hold back because of, um, it.  I just want to understand.” 

“You’ll never understand.” Louis words came out laced with dark tones like smoke curling up from the depth of hell.  “How could you ever understand with all of your alpha privilege. All you’ll ever understand is how you want to try to fix me into something you think I should be.” 

“No, Lou!  That’s not–” 

“You want to understand what it’s like to be ripped off the street by some psychopath?  To be told that you are the lowest and most worthless gender to society? To have your body mutilated as a constant reminder?”

“Oh Louis…” 

“Don’t you ‘oh Louis’ me!” his voice was rising, approaching a hysterical level, “Don’t you dare ‘oh Louis’ me!  I don’t need your fucking sympathy! I didn’t ask for it! It is what it is and you will NEVER understand what it’s like to feel every single nerve severed while everything is being taken away from you because NO ONE WOULD EVER DARE TOUCH AN ALPHA’S KNOT!” 

Louis’ screams hung in the air around them along with the sound of his heavy breathing.  The stretch of silence that came after made it too easy for Louis to start drowning in the vivid memories that were usually pushed into the recesses of his brain.  He squeezed his eyes shut against them but the television static behind his lids only morphed into red splotches of blood and the sight of his body parts separated from himself where they had been placed beside him.  He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes so hard that it began to ache but the images didn’t subside. 

“I did some research last night,” Harry’s voice was soft and rough with emotion.  He paused to clear his throat and a wave of shame washed over Louis like a bucket of cold water at what he feared would be said next.  “And I didn’t know if maybe it was for religious reasons or you just weren’t confident enough in a gender transition…”

Louis hiccupped out a sob and wished that his condition was something so simple, that it had been a matter of choice.  

“But then I remembered seeing coverage of that trial… It was him, wasn’t it?  Byron Mitchell?” 

Louis’ heart thudded violently when Harry dropped the name and he gasped a breath into his aching lungs.  Everything grew to a fuzzy state of overwhelming and oppressive memories of pain save for the pinpoint of focus around Harry’s face and the way that his lips were moving with no sound.  He curled in on himself and tried to writhe away from it all, pulling at his sweaty clothing that had started to suffocate him until buttons snapped off and seams ripped and his fingertips had found the smooth skin they always gravitated to when he could handle nothing else.  

He slowly came back to the scent of mint hanging in humid air and blinked his eyes open to dim light.  It was so calm that for a moment he thought he may have died, a heart attack finally ending his struggle, but a shift of motion brought him back to his surroundings.  No longer in his office, Louis recognized his bedroom and the soft sheets beneath his cheek. 

He tracked the mint to a mug of tea on the bedside table, steam still swirling to a point above the liquid it was so fresh.  The familiar scent of Harry was also close and he knew without checking that the alpha was somewhere on the mattress with him.

It took Louis awhile to collect enough energy to roll onto his back, the muscle aches of heat combined with emotional exhaustion making it difficult to move.  With a lazy stare Louis found Harry sitting beside him with his back resting against the headboard. There was another mug clutched between his hands and resting against his tented knees.  

“Hi,” Harry said in the most soft and gentle voice Louis had ever heard.  It was barely a syllable yet it felt like a pillowy cloud to Louis’ bruised and battered soul.    

“Hi,” Louis croaked back, throat rough from misuse.  

“I wanted to make sure you made it home safe so I brought you here.  I can go now that you’re awake. It’s a good idea for me to go, anyway.  Your heat has been getting stronger so I’m sure you’re going to want to, um, take care of that.” 

“I can never take care of it,” Louis mumbled softly and closed his eyes against the thought of struggling through another frustrating cycle. 

“You can’t take care of it?” Harry asked while matching Louis’ volume.  “What do you mean?” 

“I can’t get off.”  Louis wasn’t sure why he was offering that information to Harry so easily but in the safe space of his bedroom, the confession didn’t feel quite so monumental.   

“You  _ can’t _ ?  Or you won’t?”  Harry didn’t seem to be passing judgement but rather prompting him to elaborate.  The deep breath that Louis slowly pulled into his chest did little to settle the unsteady rhythm of his nervous heart.  

“I can’t.  I haven’t. Not since…”  His breath hitched but he wouldn’t let himself cry.  Not this time. Instead, he swallowed it down and stared at the blank white canvas of the ceiling through watery eyes.  

“But–” Harry paused and seemed to be trying to process what he had said, “But with me?  You did with me? Is it just during your heat?” 

“Not with you.”  Louis’ voice had faded into a breathy whisper, embarrassed and full of shame for having deceived him.  “You thought and I never corrected. I didn’t want you to know.”

“Not even once?” Harry asked in disbelief and Louis swallowed hard to hold everything back.  

All Louis could do was shake his head and bite his lip.  Harry’s scent was starting to affect him more and more the longer they stayed close together and Louis knew that it would linger on his sheets and drive him crazy once his hormones had truly taken over.  So far his body just felt clammy and uncomfortable and he didn’t even hesitate before ripping his shirt over his head. 

“I had no idea.  That was so selfish of me to not notice.  I can’t believe I never noticed.” 

Harry had stretched his legs out along the mattress and the sweatpants he were inches shy of reaching his ankles.  Louis’ own sweatpants, he realized, which somehow made it even more impossible for him to not notice the obvious bulge between Harry’s legs.  He was hard and the heady feeling that it was probably caused by him had him hungrily licking his lips. Harry’s voice had faded out into the deep drone of white noise and, though it was still alluring, Louis had no idea what had been said.  

He saw his own hand reaching out for Harry’s semi before his brain caught up, swallowing down the excess of saliva that had collected in his mouth like he had been craving the juiciest steak after years of famine.  The memory of that dick heavy against his tongue, salty yet tangy like the flavour of a tomato blooming from his taste buds, was one that was easy for him to recall. 

Harry let out a small whimper but pushed Louis’ hand away.  He tried to fight it but his head had weakened him for easy submission and he was no match for even an alpha’s normal touch. 

“No, Lou.  I don’t deserve it,” Harry shook his head. 

The itch was growing, nerves quivering and every instinct screaming at him to give in to the magnetic pull of pheromones.  He needed his alpha. 

“Alpha,” Louis whined and rubbed his feet against the covers until his socks were free.  

“Fuck,” Harry swore out under his breath like he was battling himself.  “Not like this Lou. Not unless you want me to help you. This can’t just be one sided.”  

“Alpha, please,” he begged and Harry struggled to stop the hands that were relentlessly tugging at the soft fabric to get at the alpha’s erection.  “Just want it, don’t care.” 

Louis could see how Harry’s hands were shaking until the moment his resistance broke.  Somewhere in the recesses of his mind Louis could appreciate how hard Harry had fought to not give in but Louis found more appreciation for the naked alpha that was soon in front of him.  

Fuck, Harry was gorgeous, and every part of Louis’ body was screaming to be caught on that knot.  It was already bulging at the base, rounded flesh just enough to give the illusion of what was to come.  

“On your side, can I see you?” Harry was mumbling as he manhandled Louis onto his side and plastered his own body up against Louis’ back.  

“Nooo, no, don’t want you to see.”  Louis needed Harry’s knot and the sight of his mutilated body was sure to scare Harry away.  

A moment later, a sheet was being pulled up past their waists and Harry’s nose was nuzzling up behind Louis’ ear.  

“Just naked then, skin on skin, I won’t look.”  

Louis was surprised that he let his trousers and then boxers be pushed down his legs, but he allowed it and even helped to kick them free from his ankles.  

“Now,” Louis whimpered and reached behind and between their bodies to fish for Harry’s cock.  It was hard in his hand and he guided it to his slick as close as he could, wiggling his hips to get closer.  “Please, now!” 

The head of Harry’s cock circled his hole in a painfully teasing motion before pressing just enough to pop inside.  They both moaned and panted, writhing against each other in a sea of their pheromone induced frenzy. 

He wasn’t gone enough not to notice Harry’s hand attempting to slide across his hip, slapping it away several times before Harry whined against him.  

“Please let me touch you, Louis, just let me touch you.”  

Distracted by a long thrust, Louis let his guard down and Harry’s big palm and curious fingers slid down over his crotch.  His breath hitched at the invasion but he didn’t immediately yank the hand away.

Long, slow thrusts and a hand plastered against his chest kept Louis grounded in the moment and he focused making himself breathe while foreign fingers searched out and then stroked the smooth skin between where their bodies were joined and his shriveled cock.  It made goosebumps rise on his skin to be touched there so intimately and his body shuddered while Harry continued to explore. 

The scar was smooth but still identifiable and Harry stroked over it several times once he’d found it.  Everything in the room felt fragile but the way his little cock seemed to be nestled perfectly against Harry’s palm made so many things feel right.  His hips naturally sought out the feeling, shifting back to meet Harry’s thrusts and then forward to meet his hand in a tug of war that had him whimpering against the pillow.  

“Does that feel good baby?”  Harry’s voice was deep and soft and then fingers were gently holding his little prick and stroking as if he had an erection himself.  

And fuck, it felt good.  It felt so good. So good that a small sob of need forced its way out, the only way his body could ask for more.  

The flood of pleasure was so intense that he swore Harry had been able to stroke a small erection out of him but he knew that couldn’t be true. 

Even before he’d been kidnapped, he couldn’t remember a time that he’d felt such a euphoric hum take over and all that was real was Harry’s body against him, his smell swirling into his nostrils, the warmth of pleasure.  

Harry’s knot slammed into him and then he whited out, hanging so long in that space that surely heaven had taken him and the angels would be along shortly to collect for his eternity in paradise.  But then he was back and sobbing and shaking with years of pent up release rolling out of him like waves. 

Louis had come. 

He was so overwhelmed by the unexpected sensation that he wasn’t sure how long he sobbed in Harry’s arms but long enough that Harry started to shift uncomfortably.  His knot gone down and his dick was no doubt hyper sensitive in the grip of Louis’ muscles after so long.

“Sorry,” Louis tried to mumble out though it sounded more like a crackle.  

“Don’t be, never be,” Harry kissed along his jawline, adjusting them both into a better position.   

The silence was comfortable between them, Harry’s fingers drawing patterns over Louis’ warm stomach.  It was the lull of his heat, still feeling overheated and needy yet content enough in his alpha’s arms.  He didn’t even stop the wandering fingers that pushed the sheet further down his hips. 

“Can I see?” Harry finally asked while he trailed a fingertip down from Louis’ navel.  

Instinct told him to say no but the scent in the air was so blissful and calming that he didn’t care.  Louis nodded and held his breath when he felt Harry’s hand slide down to touch him first under the sheet.  

“So soft,” Harry murmured and lifted the sheet down slowly as if he thought quick movements might startle Louis and cause him to withdraw.  

Instead of panicking, Louis watched Harry’s face.  He watched the curious and then soft expression when Harry finally let his eyes wander to the space that used to make him a man.  

It was a strange experience to have someone examining him like a fine work of art and his eyes fluttered shut with every foreign sensation.  His legs fell open for Harry to follow his scar in gentle strokes, following the line up to his shrunken dick. It felt like worshipping touches rather than ones of morbid curiosity and Louis could only hope that it wasn’t just his head addled mind that was interpreting it that way.  

For the first time that he could remember consciously looking between his legs, he lifted his head to watch how delicately Harry handled his dick.  It appeared even smaller compared to Harry’s large hands but the size difference seemed to stir something low in his belly. He wasn’t hard, far from it, yet it seemed to be a bit more firm between Harry’s fingers as he stroked.  

It felt just as amazing to be touched without being caught on a knot, maybe even more so as his nerves could focus on one long neglected part and Harry seemed to be just as into it.  

It caught Louis off guard when Harry shifted and then lowered his head, kissing along his scar with gentle warm like that made Louis’ entire body shiver.  They kissed along the same journey Harry’s fingers had taken and then in one heart stopping moment, Louis was completely engulfed in Harry’s mouth and that was it.  

His body tried to curl in on himself as he came in a violent wave, muscles cramping almost painfully and another round of sobs ripped out of his chest.  

Slick pulsed from him steadily and the need pulled at him relentlessly but the relief that maybe he wasn’t broken overshadowed anything his hormones were demanding.    

Broken, but repairable.  Damaged, but still desired.  

He still had days of his heat ahead of him but for the first time, the weighted dread wasn’t bearing down on his chest.  For once, Louis felt hopeful. For once, Louis could breathe. 


End file.
